Sunday, November 2, 2008

cook revisited...

in honor of david cook's appearance on SNL last night, here is a little something i wrote over the summer...

Wednesday, Jun. 18, 2008 - 8:41 p.m.

this is so embarrassing. SO embarrassing.

but i have this totally absurd, nonsensical, unreasonable and unearthly crush on david cook. really! how embarrassing.

me, who wants to study pop culture. me, who revels in the antique lewd-ness of women smoking cigarillos, bobbing their hair, and (gasp!) going to co-ed dance halls. i love that shit. i eat it up. i would give nearly anything to be entirely immersed in 1920's pop culture. but that's the thing - it's still POP culture. i'm intrigued by it - yet if i were to actually be living it, i'm certain i would detest it.

ah, the complications of being uncontrollably, unintentionally hypocritical.

i hate today's pop culture - jingles about big macs, apple vs. pc commercials, anime (is that still cool?), blogging (the thought!), blackberry's and podcasting, etc. i hate that letter writing, typewriters, calling on people and leaving your card, and hat-wearing have all gone out of style. i want to stroll into a speakeasy like i'm not scared (although i would be terrified of getting caught by the fuzz) and order a rye and soda like it's nobody's business. where's the charm in take-out? i want to order-up to the hotel suite i am living in. and send up a bottle of sauce while you're at it - i'm fixin' to get tight tonight.

but wait - i digress. this was supposed to be about my fascination with david cook, the "hottest" singer in america, victorious winner of all that is wrong with american "pop culture", the rubbish that is - (in-booming-ryan-seacrest-imitating-the-Lets-Get-Ready-To-Rumblllllllllllle-guy) Amer-ican I-dol.

david cook. the underdog. the guy who only tried out because he was keeping his brother company during HIS tryout. he was fantastic. amazing. blew me (and the rest of america) away each week with his new renditions, quirky arrangements, and sexy performances. even though you knew his heart was in the competition, he had the air of not caring if he won or not. (personally, i think it was because he might have been better off if he hadn't won - he would eventually be able to shake the stigma of having gotten his start on american idol.)

he was sexy. not *cute* like his half-queer competition, that cheery little goody-two-shoes david archuleta. that guy won over the elderly and the elementary school crowd the second he uttered his first on-key-perfect-pitched note and flashed those pearly whites while mugging that oh-so-appreciative-innocent-who-me?-i-don't-deserve-this smile.

but david cook was sexy in a non-threatening sort of way. he had this chubby, giant noggin, matt-skiba-from-alkaline-trio wanna be thing goin' on. and yet he seemed perfectly comfortable hangin' with andrew lloyd webber and rocking out on neil diamond's "i’m alive!,” even while he was rockin’ the blazer-tshirt-tie-skinny jeans look, with his hair in perfect mussed-up-bedhead-mode. scratchy voice, boyish charm, 5 o’clock shadow, a partial faux-hawk and partial faux-individualism, that damn david cook had it all. Shit, even my mom loved this guy.

but let’s move on to my crush. it’s absolutely delusional. i can't stop thinking about this a-hole! the first time I really looked twice at him was during one of his segments. the contestants were supposed to talk about something unique, something America didn’t know about them. he said he was (and I quote) a *word nerd*. A fucking Word Nerd???! He couldn’t have uttered anything more enticing to me. I’m enamored. But david, I’M a word nerd too! OMG – two dorky peas in a pop-punk pod! He even used the word *enamored*! Along with ostentatious, vindicating, and homage – and finally culminating the dorkiness by saying he was “a geek for vocab.” and then, immediately afterwards, he rocked the hizzouse with the rock classic Free's "All Right Now". He also had a hit with Billie Jean (which coincidentally, is my favorite Michael Jackson song). and then the hits just kept on comin’ - “Eleanor Rigby”, Neil Diamond x2, Mariah Carey’s “Always Be My Baby”; everything was sung so convincingly, and gave me goosebumps every single time. I was hooked.

But this is not meant to be a re-cap of the show, nor a fan’s account of their favorite contestant. This is about my personal embarrassment regarding my love for david cook, winner of American idol. Of my self-loathing due to my obscene fascination with Mr. David Cook. i feel like a teenager again. Watching him was like being in 5th grade and watching New Kids on Letterman. Like loving River Phoenix and watching "The Thing Called Love". Like seeing Leonardo DiCaprio for the first time in an interview. I was mesmerized, drooling almost. I am 8 months shy of turning 30, and I was turned to jelly by this 25 year old quasi-rockstar. David Cook made me feel like a kid again. I started having dreams about him – not just daydreams, and not just PG ones, either. This guy was in my head. I wanted him to win the contest just so I could keep seeing him each week. He had a hold on me. The show ended weeks ago, and I am still thinking of him. It’s insanity. I genuinely want to marry this guy. How juvenile of me! But my subconscious takes over, and I find myself thinking he’s the perfect guy for me, and he's so romantic, and maybe he'll sing to me on our first date, and he must be just SO nice, and he’s so my type. I mean seriously – it’s insanely f-ing DELUSIONAL. I can't even believe I am telling you this.

But, come on. He gave Neil-fucking-Diamond goosebumps. Think of what he could do to me… How could I resist?

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